The Dance

I was almost Twenty-Three years ago when I discovered karaoke. I loved to get up on that stage and sing my heart out! Billy would have been 3 Years old.

My happy little boy!

I sang songs by Patsy Cline, Linda Ronstadt, The Carpenter’s, Shania Twain, Alanis Morissette and even Elvis!

I can count on one hand, the times I went to a bar in my younger years that did not have karaoke! Personally to me, a bar was boring if you could not sing!

I stopped the karaoke scene the day after I turned 27 years old. Billy would have just turned 8 years old.img_0722

That life was just not for me anymore. I was tired of the choices I made while under the influence of alcohol and I was ruining my life, so I quit drinking alcohol. I stopped going to bars. I stopped singing karaoke.

As much as I love to sing, that was a really good choice for me, for Billy and for Jami who was a year and a half old. My problems did not do away overnight,but slowly, my life started to get a little better. I still sang, just not in a bar.img_0723

Billy was my only child during most of my karaoke days gone by.

He was stuck in the car with me as I would belt out songs from CD’s I would buy because I heard someone sing that song at karaoke.

Billy did not seem to mind though. I introduced him to many different artists and generes on those car rides.

I would have to say that when he was a little boy, country music was his favorite!img_0724

I remember when he was 5 years old he would sing ” I like it, I love it” by Tim McGraw.

One time Billy and his older cousin Chuck, put on a show for me and my Aunt Barbara and my Cousin Bobby. (Chucks Grandmother and Father respectively.)

The boys sang and danced to that song. It was so sweet! It is a moment that I will never forget.

As Billy got older, he listened to whatever was playing on the radio. As He continued to grow up and his interests changed, he fell in love with all kinds of music. When Billy picked up a guitar, music truly became his passion!

Billy played his guitar for me many times. He played while I led the singing at my Dad’s former Church, He played while I sang at a Women’s luncheon, He would always play for me while I sang.

Billy playing the guitar for me as I led the singing at my Dad’s former Church.

The other day I heard a song on the radio that I haven’t heard in years. A long time ago at karaoke, there would always be someone who would sing it, every single time. Sometimes, different people would sing it on the same night, so I got to know the words by heart.  The song is titled “The Dance” by Garth Brooks.

When I heard it again this time, I thought of Billy and I started to cry.

Logan and Daddy having a Star Wars Lightsaber duel!

I miss him so much. I miss his texts and his calls, I miss the fact that he will not ever be coming home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I miss the pictures that he will not be in, I miss that he will never be at another Birthday party for Logan, I miss knowing that he will not get to build Legos or play Star Wars with him or teach him how to play the guitar and just get to be a Daddy to him. I miss knowing that I will never get another hug from my Son Billy on this side of Heaven.

I am so blessed to have been chosen to be Billy’s Mother.

I know that I did not do everything the best way when he was growing up. However, I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes. I am able to do that because of what Jesus did on the cross for us all. I know without a doubt that Billy is living in His presence and that he has forgiven me too. My heart will be blessed with the sound of music, and I’ll sing once more.

Me and Billy and Logan 3 and a half years ago.

I will leave you with the lyrics to “The Dance” as well as a link to click on if you would like to listen.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you’d ever say goodbye
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d have to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I the king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance
Songwriters: Tony Arata
The Dance lyrics © BMG Rights Management



  1. I know your pain. I know your heartache. I know that emptiness that you feel. I lost my daughter Kavannah when she was 24 years old. She has been gone for five long years now. And it seems it was only yesterday that she was saying, “I love you Mom”. I would give anything to be able to hear her say this again. I would love to be able to hold her,to sit and talk about anything we had on our minds. She had a beautiful soul. I never met anyone that didn’t like her. Everybody she came in contact with, instantly loved her and she loved them,no matter who or what they might be going through, she would shine her light on them. I miss her so much. I love you Baby girl, rest in paradise Kavannah Grace Adkins.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so very sorry Tammy. I try to imagine what it will be like 4 or 5 years from now and I don’t want to. There’s such an ache in my soul. Thank you for sharing your heartache for Kavannah with me. She sounds like a beautiful soul💗


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