What Would Billy Do?

I’ve spent a lot of time asking myself what would Billy want me to do?

Billy was a fun guy! He loved to laugh and joke around, he was playful, and he was funny.

Daddy and Logan Jumping on the Trampoline.

Sometimes people thought he was up to something, and he usually was!

I can see that same smile and sparkle in Logan’s eyes. He loves to laugh and play and have fun. He sees the wonder in everything. Is he always up to something? Well, he’s always doing something!

What would Billy want us to do?

We miss him, we talk about him, we cry. I tell Logan what his Daddy was like and the things we did when Daddy was 5-years old.

I tell Logan about the time when he was a baby and Daddy tried to make him hold his bottle by himself even when he was too little and still needed help. Daddy just really wanted to teach him do things for himself.

What would Billy want us to do?

Billy is more alive than he’s ever been. He’s free, he’s at 100% peace. He’s filled with love and light and joy.

Would Billy want us to wallow in grief?

Would he want us to be sad and depressed?

Would he want us to let ourselves go and not care about taking care of ourselves and each other?

As hard as it is to know that I will never see my son again on this Earth, I know that he would want me to live my best life.

I know that he would want me to laugh and have fun and be silly and sing songs and make up my own songs about life situations as they are happening!

Asking myself what would Billy want us to do reminds me of the little teddy bear he got for me when he was little and I wasn’t making the best choices. It had a tiny bracelet on it with WWJD meaning What Would Jesus DO?

I have kept that WWJD teddy bear for all these years. I slept with that  teddy bear immediately after he was murdered. My shock and grief was raw and every breath was heavy and labored. I could not believe that my boy was gone… murdered.

I have slept with that little bear every night since then.

My Daughter took this picture of my right after Billy died. I was still sleeping in a recliner while healing from surgery. I was clinging to my WWJD bear that Billy gave me when he was a little boy.

What would Jesus Do? I knew the answer to that question. When Jesus was dying, he spoke words that seemed impossible. He was speaking about his own murderers.  Jesus said; ” Father, forgive the , for they know not what they do.”  Forgive. In my own strength, impossible. This was an absolutely senseless, tragic, shocking, horrific killing of my son. My child. Why? How?

I will never understand on this side of Heaven. I do not have to understand. I am called to forgive. The only possible way I can do that is to make a choice to forgive. If I do not forgive, I cannot have the peace of Christ that passes ALL understanding. I NEED inner peace.

I am called to tell the world that there is hope in the face of the most tragic thing that can possibly happen to a Mother. To encourage people of all ages, races, religions and walks of life that the Word of God is just that. THE Word of God. It is true. Every word.

It is unchanging when everything in this world is always changing.

It is unshakable when everything in this world is spinning faster and faster.

It is forever settled in Heaven. God,and Jesus and the angles are not having meetings about what to do in a crisis.

His Word is settled.  It is only the truth  that you know that will set you free…

Billy would want you to know that too. He is standing in the presence of the most Holy God. He has no more cares or concerns in this world but I know that when he lived in this world, he cared about people. He went through stages where he cared a lot more for himself but, so did I, so did most of us. However, we did not stay in those places. We grew-up and realized that life is about how you treat people.

How you make other people feel. How we treat other people irregardless of how people make us feel.

We are not responsible for other people’s actions, only our own reactions to those actions and our own actions towards others.

What Would Jesus Do? Ask Him. Seek him while he may still be found and when you seek him with all of your heart, you will find him. That is a promise.