I was looking through notes in my phone and came across something I wrote almost 2 years ago. That would have been a little over a year after Billy was murdered.
When rereading it last night, it reminded me of how David would pour out his heart to the Lord in the book of Psalms.
I’m farther along the road of this journey than I was 2 years ago. I didn’t have a specific incident where someone was hurtful to my face.
It was just something I sensed on a heart level from walking into a room and knowing that I was a reminder that bad things, really bad things happen.
I also belong to a couple groups on Facebook with other Mother’s whose children have died. My heart just aches for the things that these Mother’s have been through.
There is so much hurt and pain and loss in this fallen world.
I combined my personal experience and the experience of other Mothers who have had to face tragedy and the out of order death of a child.
My bottom line is people are not perfect and people will let you down, but Jesus never does.
Here is what I wrote 2 years ago:
Untitled
In these uncertain times, if you care,you are rare, many people just don’t know how to truly care,they’re wrapped up in themselves,living in their little bubble.
Selfish thoughts,selfish ways, “I have no time for you and your bereaved days. I don’t get you, I don’t understand, truth is I don’t really want to and it’s really hard to be around you.”
Let me tell you something and maybe you just might see, how your selfish ways and thoughts aren’t affecting me.
Do you realize when you look away, don’t acknowledge, scroll on by with a disgusted sigh, it’s very telling,and that’s not a reflection of me but of you,it has nothing to do with what I’m going through.
You turn up your nose in your Sadducee way “ugh I know her son must have sinned in some terrible way or maybe it was her and now this is how she must pay.”
If that thought crossed your mind, please,put down your stone,the price has been paid, over 2000 years ago.
The payment Jesus made I received, the SIN of the whole world has been covered,you see.
Don’t you realize, don’t you even care,that people are choosing hell with their sin already paid for, because they wouldn’t choose life when He kept knocking on their hearts door?
Don’t you remember from the Bible stories of old that God is love,not harsh and cold?
Jesus did tell people off do you remember that too?
It was always the Pharisees that he yelled at while they were making much ado.
He called them a brood of vipers, for thinking highly of themselves and looking down on others.
Sounds an awful lot like people today, what do you think Jesus would have to say? He is the same, yesterday, today and forever so a brood of vipers it is, then, now and forever.
The woman at the well had been married 4 times and was living with another,I can guarantee you it wasn’t her brother!
When Jesus touched her heart she ran back to her town,to tell them that Jesus is the messiah, there is none other to be found.
Death touched Martha and Mary’s lives too and just exactly what did Jesus do?
He wept and he cried and he felt all their pain, he knew their sorrow and his tears knew no shame. Even though he knew that he would bring life to their brother and Lazarus would rise again.
Love is stronger than death my heart knows it’s true. No weapon formed against me will prosper, every tongue that rises against me I will show to be wrong. How’s that for a promise? I’ll do it all day long! Yes I can be cynical, and angry at people,it’s true, but thank God He forgives me just as He forgives you.
Jesus will resurrect in my heart what’s been deadened. Someday the whole world will see that my grief, my hurts, deep pain, bereaved heart and plight will be used to show many who will listen,that Jesus is the way the truth and the life.
I’ll rise from these ashes with beauty, you’ll see, though this lonely valley of the shadow of death is leaving it’s mark on me. I promise you,on the mountain top someday, I will be.
Thank you Jesus for dying and rising again. You are not only my savior but my closest friend.
If you’ll just take a minute and get quiet within, you’ll hear him calling “Come to me, I am love, I am.”
( original note 4/18/19)
5 Non Blondes and a Senseless Murder 