Today is my Son’s 26th Birthday. I should be calling him and texting or planning when we can get together to celebrate our September birthday’s.
Instead I visited his grave.
I wasn’t going to say much today.
I didn’t have much to say yesterday either. Only that I stayed up until midnight to wish him a Happy Birthday today.
So here is the 1st piece or poem that I wrote the day after Mother’s Day this year. My first Mother’s Day without my 1st born son who made me a Mother.
The Mother That No One Wants To Be
I am now the Mother that no one wants to be.
I too used to be the Mother who never ever wanted to be the Mother that no one wants to be.
I couldn’t fathom it,
I couldn’t imagine it,
I couldn’t allow myself to ever think about it.
I would shutter and my heart would sink and silently cry when I would see those Mother’s that I never, ever wanted to be.
Now that I am the Mother that no one wants to be, I can see it in people’s eyes, I can hear it in their extra upbeat voices, as if talking louder and in a happy tone makes my silent pain go away. Let’s just pretend it’s another normal day.
There are those who don’t know what to do or say so they quickly go around me and avoid me like the plague, quickly looking the other way…
Then there are those who truly empathize, the tears well up in their eyes because they too can’t imagine what I’m going through, but there are really no words to say, the tears start falling anyway. As they fall, all they can do is hug me and hold me and say that they think of me everyday and pray.
These people who are empathetic have not lost a child, but their tears and hugs help me feel less lonely and remind me that there are parts of my heart that are not crushed and totally broken.
Of course there are those that try to sympathize, but please, no, I don’t want to hear that one of your parents have died. For I have lost my Mother too. It’s not the same, although I have a deep pain there still, I really do.
I no longer have her with me to walk this through. That may have been one of the hardest things I had to face after I heard that my child died. I couldn’t run to her and hug her while we cried.
He was her first Grandson, her very special pride and joy, no one could ever say an evil word against him without having her defend him.
I remember the day we three were sitting at the table and Billy said” You know, I always have people stopping me in the street, telling me about Jesus. I tell them I know all about that because my Pop Pop is a Pastor.”
My Mom and I just looked at each other and smiled and laughed because we knew what the truth was behind that.
Billy continued on saying “They just stop me because of my tattoos and piercings!”
We said ” Oh No Billy, they stop you because we’ve been asking. We’ve prayed to the Lord to put those people in your path and He is more than willing to uphold His Word, just like we asked!”
This was years ago that Mom and I prayed like this. Then one day in November of 2016 while Billy was walking down the street, a lady rolled her window down, looked right at my Son and told him “You are loved, you are so precious, God loves you very much. “
At that time my Mom had been gone for over two years, but I know that in Heaven there were many cheers because later that day Billy texted his Dad and told him what the lady who stopped had to say. He continued on to text ” It is time that I get saved.”
How thankful I am that there are people who listen when God tells them to speak. For my Son is with his Grandmother and they are now smiling, laughing and hugging. I just with I could have a peek!
I am so glad they have each other in Heaven. I think about that and smile, but the sadness, the hurt, the pain that takes my breath away is still there, down somewhere deep inside. It’s not the same sadness that I have when I think about how I can no longer talk to my Mom and hear her voice, listen to her wisdom, and see her smile.
It is different and goes against nature because I came from her womb, but my Son came from mine.
I realized I’ve carried him and his 2 brothers and one sister since the day I was born.Their little eggs are what would become them and they were living inside me as I was growing and learning and praying and becoming the young woman who would someday be their only Mother.
Motherhood was what I wanted from an early age. Maybe that’s why I started young and I’m so glad I did, so Billy and I could grow up together and go through our growing pains for what felt like forever.
Since history tends to repeat itself, My Billy was young when he had a son of his own. He was barely 20 when they brought Logan home. No, it was not in the traditional way, but Billy loved that child more than words can say. How do I know this? Because he is a Son after his Mother’s own heart when it comes to loving his own Son, each and every part. Every picture they have together Billy’s smile is so wide and there is a very special sparkle in his eyes.
I am so thankful that I have Logan, my Grandson.He is the warm piece of Billy that we can touch and hold, kiss and hug and love, and teach him who his Father was…
I love my other children so very, very, much that sometimes it feels as though they are getting slighted somewhat. They each hold a very special place in my heart that’s just for each of them, but because I’ve lost their Brother, it just feels all jumbled and broken.
When I have them here, all three together, my heart knows something is missing. The pieces don’t fit quite right, but, we will find our new normal that none of us wanted as Jesus makes each of our paths bright. It gives me such comfort and peace to know that we will all be together again someday, forever. That is my solace as I silently cry every day after day, night after night.
One last thing from the Mother that no one wants to be is a passage that I found and want to share in case there are those reading this who have a similar burden to bear.
2nd Thessalonians 2:16-17 says ” Now, may our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope by grace, comfort your hearts and establish you in every good word and work.”
I will stand alone on the Word of God as I continue on to what no Mother should ever have to go through.
God’s blessings and peace to all from the Mother that no one wants to be. That’s me.