Is All Death Equal?

 I’ve asked myself that question since that awful night that changed my life instantly.

I remember pacing the floor of my bedroom after I was told my Son was gone…

Pacing and crying out “Murdered? He was Murdered?”

I couldn’t comprehend that…

I thought about what his last moments could have been like.

It makes me sick, it makes me feel faint, it makes me cry, it makes my heart break.

Billy was always very independent. He didn’t want to hold my hand in the parking lot when he was little, he wanted to do everything by himself.  That sort of thing.

When he wasn’t feeling well, he wanted me. He was all snuggles and cuddles and wanted Mommy to take care of him, even as a teenager.

What about that night? I’m sure he didn’t see it coming. I’m sure he was in shock, maybe his life flashed before his eyes. Did he want me? His Mother? His Mommy?

His life was taken from him by the hand of someone else. It wasn’t an accident, an illness, a disease, he didn’t take his own life, he didn’t overdose, He was murdered.

Billy was stabbed because of what?  Was he at the wrong place at the wrong time? Didn’t he have a right to be where he was, walking down the street, having a good time with his friends and his brother cheering for the Philadelphia Eagles one week before they were going to be playing in the Super Bowl?

My Sons and their friends didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing. They didn’t know the guy, never met him, never saw him, until he started following them, coming after them.

What choice would you have made if a stranger was following you? They were in a group. He wasn’t alone, but he chose to confront the stranger. Should they all have started running, screaming? Seriously. What do you do? Hindsight is always 20/20 right? What’s the right answer?

There was no argument between them, just a choice made by someone else, to take their hurt and anger out on my Child.

My Son never saw it coming. It was absolutely senseless… So is all death equal? In the end, does it matter to those who have left us?

To those of us left behind, especially as a Mother who has lost her Son to murder, I do not believe all manners of death are equal.

I believe that if you have lost a child to ANYTHING, no matter how young or old, I can sympathize and empathize with you.

Whether it’s a stillborn child, an illness, an accident, an overdose, a suicide or murder. I can cry with you, for you, and feel your pain. I can understand your great loss.

I an NOT saying in any way that the loss of my Son is greater than the loss of your Child.

So why write this tonight? After seven and a half months of pondering this question and hearing opinions and stories from other parents who have lost children to death of all kinds, mostly in online support groups, I believe I have the answer that settled in MY heart.

Sometimes I feel like we are all part of this taboo club that we never wanted to belong to and we’re all lumped together because the death of a Child is the death of a Child. Period. Just as every Child is unique, so is every Parents nightmare when their Child is no longer living.

As I said, I am in no way saying that the loss of my Son is greater than the loss of anyone elses Child. I just don’t believe that all death is equal.