You are so Beautiful

When Billy was a preschooler, he often told me that when he grew up he wanted to marry me. I always thought it was sweet and it always made me smile. I also thought that every little boy wanted to marry his mommy when he grew up, but Billy was my only Son that ever said that.

You see, I was a single Mother from the time Billy was a year and a half old.

If you’ve been following my story then you might remember me saying that the name William means ” Bold Protector.”

Billy wanted to protect me, he wanted to take care of me…

Another thing that Billy always said was that he thought I was beautiful. He even sang “You are so Beautiful” by Joe Cocker to me when he was 3 years old. That song came out the year after I was born. I have no idea how he even heard it, but he sang it to me.

Again, I thought every little boy thought his Mother was beautiful just like I always thought my Daddy was the strongest and most handsome man in the world when I was a little girl, didn’t all little girls think that?

I found out later in life that no, not all little girls thought that and neither did all little boys.

The thing is, Billy never stopped thinking that or saying that. When he was 15 years old, he burned a CD for me with the song “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt on it.

Just last year we were Face Timing and his roommate was there and Billy kept saying “you think my Mom is pretty don’t you, it’s okay I know she is.” I just shook my head and smiled.

Even at his funeral, his girlfriend told me that Billy would tell her she was beautiful but not as beautiful as my Mother, she’s the most beautiful woman.

Knowing that my Son always thought that about me makes me want to take care of myself no matter how I may physically be feeling. I made a decision after he was killed that I would still wake up everyday, get out of bed,  wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my skin care, my makeup and do something with my hair. I will still take a shower, remove the makeup, put on my night time skin care, brush my teeth, before laying down to rest. I am still his Mother.

The other morning I was getting Logan, Billy’s Son, ready for school. Out of the blue he said” Nana, you have to still take care of yourself and go to the gym.” I was debating going to the gym because I just wasn’t feeling it, but I went. Logan was right, I still have to take care of myself and I will. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I will continue to go through and move forward. I will do it for me, for my family and in memory of my Billy 💗