The Worst Night of my Life

Repost from July 30th. Day 30 of bereaved parents awareness month.

The night I heard that my 1st born son was murdered is one I’ll never forget.

It was absolutely the worst night of my life.

The reason I use the hashtag #manlooksattheoutwardappearancebutgodlooksattheheart,is because that scripture washed over me as soon as I heard that he had died.

There was so much uncertainty for so many people as to where Billy’s soul and spirit went because of his outward appearance, because of his lifestyle, because of his choices.

The list could go on….

I am his mother. I love him unconditionally.

It is a fact that we shared a love of music. I believe that was a special connection from God just for us.

All of my life, the Lord will speak to me through songs.

As I went upstairs the next morning, still in shock, I remember standing in my kitchen and the chorus from a song that I had not heard since I was a teenager started playing in my head.

It totally washed over me.

I looked it up on YouTube and realized that my favorite male artists had done a remake of the song.

It is called “When God Ran”

That remade version is by Phillips Craig and Dean.

I have absolutely no doubt that night that God Himself, ran to my son and brought him home.

Jesus knew that I needed something special just for me.

A song to let me know and assure me that my boy was better than ever. That God himself ran to my boy.

You see a lot of people have it backwards.

They are taught that you have to be more like Jesus.

That’s impossible to do.

The truth of the matter is that churches which are filled with imperfect people, have made it much harder than God meant for it to be.

We are supposed to live our lives from the inside out, not the outside in.

When your heart changes, then your actions change.

It’s not about keep the rules and expect behavior modification and that’s good enough.

Unfortunately, many people,myself included for an long time, think that we just can’t measure up so why bother to try?

The picture in the top left corner pretty much sums it up.

It’s that simple.

Believe Him. Accept Him.

Billy‘s uncle Jon carved that verse into the wood, and my husband Matthew took the time to paint it and carefully filled in every single letter.

Jesus loves you.








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