Logan is sitting here watching the movie Toy Story. It came out in 1995.
Billy💗 would’ve been three years old. By the time it came out on VHS he would’ve been closer to five, the same age Logan is for the next few days anyway.
Logan is turning six years old next week!
It’s bittersweet having him watch Toy Story knowing that I watched it with Billy and he’s not living on this earth anymore.
There the other Toy Story movie sequels that came along, but the 1st one and the one where Andy is grown up and goes off to college tugs on my heart strings.
When Billy was little, I used to tell him “You need to stop growing! You’re getting too big!” We would smile and laugh and he knew I was kidding of course.
Time stops for no one. It keeps marching on. Children get older, Grandchildren get older.I get older.
When Billy and I watched Toy Story he was 5 and I was 24.
Now I sit and watch it with Logan and he is almost 6 year old and I’m 45.
Where did all those years go?
Am I making an impact on those around me?
Am I living my life in purpose?
Life is so cyclical. We do the same things over and over and we assume it will always be that way until the unimaginable happens.
Then your world is turned upside down and questions you never thought to ask flood your mind and heart and there may never be answers this side of eternity.
The circle of life, now my circle is broken.
It’s funny how watching Toy Story with my grandson made me evaluate my entire life thus far.
Memories have a way of doing that I guess.
As I approach the one year anniversary of Billy’s murder, I find the tears sliding down my cheeks more often.
I find myself saying “if only” a lot more. Giving anything to go back to this time last year…
But I can’t. We only move forward. The world keeps turning.
I hope that I’m growing wiser and can apply the coulda woulda shoulda to how I grandparent Logan and how I Mother my living children and treat my husband.
We only get one life and it goes fast.
Live in the moment and embrace it. Love your circle and those who are in it.
5 Non Blondes and a Senseless Murder 
My mother lost 2 of my brothers 3 months apart, 12 years ago..my 2 very best friends..as hard as it is and it will never be the same it does get a little easier to breath…it doesn’t get better because it always hurts just as hard as day 1 but having all of the people u have will help make it easier to breath..it’s now different not easier, so u have to figure out how to now live that different life with love and happiness. I look up to my mother NOW more then ever…every year we write letters and send them off with a lantern…watch them disappear into the sky..anything to honour the amazing men they were..good for u for being so positive..my heart hurts for u…but it sounds like u have amazing support..don’t ever forget that!! All the best..truly!
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Oh Melissa I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing one son is absolutely tragic. I don’t want to imagine losing two. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement as you are farther down the path of this heartbreaking journey. As their sister, if you have anything to share that would help my children find their way through the loss of their brother I would appreciate it. Siblings tend to be forgotten when it comes to their own grief. We lit our 1st lantern on Billy’s Birthday. That was special. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. Blessings to you❤️
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