The Pseudo Darkness

The tornado of experience and feelings past and present have been overwhelming lately.

It has been a dark place. I just want to curl up in a ball and wait for this to pass. To hibernate and to wake up healed and whole. I know it doesn’t usually work that way though.

I grab my Bible and search for truths, I cry out with the psalmist.

I read my books about heaven and grab onto helpful phrases.

The finality of Billy’s death is hitting me like a freight train.

Memories I didn’t know I had are resurfacing, bringing with them conflicting emotions and feelings.

I speak scriptures that I have hidden in my heart because God has promised that they will not return void.

I do what I know to do,when I don’t know what to do,and that is speak God’s word and go lay at Jesus feet, climb up in his lap and whisper help.

He’s my very present help in time of need.

Sometimes all I can do is just say his name, Jesus.

Over and over again. The name above all names, even above grief, sadness and depression.

I thank him that my son is with him and he is safe, happy, healed and whole.

When I change my focus, the pain gets different.

All of the absolutes are still there. They never change.

Yes I’ll see my son again someday, yes it’s really just a short time in light of eternity.

It’s just that he’s not here now, I can’t see him now, or call him or text him and I’m still connected to him. I’m his Mother.

I feel the ache that’s always in my heart when I take a deep breath.

I am very grateful for the foundation I had on the Word of God before my son was murdered because some days I would be destitute without it.

This is real and raw.

This is a day where I’m surviving.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll thrive.