Go On And Cry

I’ve mentioned before that the Lord often speaks to me through songs. It’s not necessarily “Christian” music either!

Today the song that started playing in my head was “Cry” by Crystal Gayle. https://youtu.be/6dOwRVV-buE listen here.

“Your heartache seems to hang around too long, your blues keep getting bluer with each song, remember,sunshine can be found, behind the cloudy sky, so let your hair down, and go on and cry ”

Could it be that reminder of the sunshine can be found behind the cloudy sky, but it’s ok go on and cry? Another gentle response to my flowing tears?

I find myself crying in the shower and especially in my Jeep. Those are two places where I’m alone.

It’s really okay to cry? You’ll feel better if you cry right? Don’t stuff it so people think you’re doing good.

Are you doing good if you don’t cry?

That’s seems to be society’s consensus.

I hate that tears are seen as a sign of weakness or a mental health problem.

If my feelings are hurt, I cry.

If I feel sad, I cry.

If I get physically injured, I cry.

Little boys are told ” it’s okay buddy, walk it off, don’t cry,you’re okay!”

Little girls are told” oh come here sweetie let me see your boo boo, let mommy kiss it and make it better.”

Something is not right between these two scenarios.

Somewhere along the way, even after childhood, it all gets screwed up, we’re then told to get a grip and bite your lip, never let them see you cry.

I don’t have to explain myself if tears are flowing down my face at the grocery store.

I’m not going to feel embarrassed for my tears or even apologize for them.

This last year and a half has been filled with an overwhelming amount of change.

I don’t know if I’m in a cycle of grief or a season of grief or whatever this is.

The crescendo of are we going to go through a trial? To only going through a guilty plea hearing, and the sentencing, is over.

Is it really? I just received an email from the A.D.A today.

See my post The Verdict Is In

The murderers sentence was lowered by year,which is not much, but Billy and our family got a life sentence. No appeals for us.

Just when I thought some sort of closure or moving on could occur, and it still can but,I don’t know how to get there. From here to there.

I’m reading the Word, praying in the spirit on all occasions with every kind of prayers and requests. I’m reading books on heaven because I want to learn about where I’m headed.

I know that if I cooperate with God this can be turned into something beautiful in His time.

I wake up every single day and do as much life as I can. I’m just soul tired.

When will I not be soul tired?

I miss Billy.

I miss my son.

I will never not miss him.

Maybe someday when I cry,it won’t feel like I’m groaning with what sounds like animal noises.

I remind myself that there are people who have lost more than I have. I actually haven’t “lost” my son, I know where he is, but I’ve lost contact with him.

I also remind myself that this pain and long suffering isn’t worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us.

Grief is love right? With no place to go.

Love suffers long. That’s one aspect of love.

Let’s not forget that.