I Don’t Know…

I often hear myself saying ” I don’t know.” It has become worse than a bad habit.

Since it’s something that I am noticing about myself, I can choose to do something about it.

I don’t like saying “I don’t know ” because it can lead to confusion, feeling crazy and being stagnant.

There are a lot of things I Do know to do when it feels like I don’t know what to do, and I want to focus on those things.

This last year and a half has been absolutely overwhelming, and that’s not even the right word to describe it.

I don’t think there is a word in the English language or any world language to describe it.

I do feel like I am a different person and yet I want to continue to move forward. To continue to mother my children who are on this earth with me and be the best nana to my grandson Logan and of course be the wife that my husband Matt needs.

I remember my Mom saying ” I don’t know what to do” a lot towards the end of her life and last night my Dad was here celebrating Robbie’s 17th Birthday with us and he said ” I don’t know.” I told him he needs to stop saying ” I don’t know” because I need to stop saying it!

This morning because I really didn’t know what to do, I was drawn to our all purpose room. I started to sort of try to organize it.

It houses everything from our hot water heater, furnace, well pump, washer/dryer, our geothermal system,fuse boxes, ADT monitor, bins of my children’s elementary papers and projects, filing cabinets, filing boxes with tons of paperwork I no longer need, built in bookshelves with tons of books, DVD’s, VHS tapes, trophies, plaques and pictures.

There is also a hope chest filled with lot and lots of pictures and all kinds of birthday cards, Mother’s Day cards, Valentine’s Day cards and even more pictures in albums and frames and old developing envelopes from Photo Hut, Kmart, and Walmart.

I got lost for hours trying to organize, while finding cards and pictures that made me smile and also caused me to barely be able to breathe because I was weeping so hard.

More like wailing for my son Billy, my boy.

I found a Birthday card from Billy from years gone by that warmed the broken pieces of my heart.

My boy loved me so.

He thought I was the best mom in the world.

He also spelled you’re correctly.

I smiled through those tears.

My Birthday was on Sunday and it was a very good day.

I kept looking for a sign from the heavens and it didn’t come until today.

As I was moving things around, I also found an envelope that said “Billy’s tooth/teeth.”

It was one tooth and I wept and wailed and dry heaved until I thought that there was nothing left in me.

I held that little baby tooth to my cheek, I kissed it more than once, I held it, I lovingly caressed it, and I put it back in the envelope and left the room for awhile.

I brought some of those books from the bookshelf out to the living room and I started to read one while I was listening to worship music that was ministering to my sad and longing, aching heart.

I heard a song in my spirit about David playing his harp.

Many times the Lord speaks to my heart through songs. I found the album and had it on replay all afternoon.

The book I chose is called The Names of God by Marilyn Hickey.

When you desire to go deeper in your relationship with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, and learning how the kingdom of heaven works, getting to know his names and what they mean is a very good place to start.

Even though many people are on the same child loss journey as I am, We all grieve in different ways and have different grief triggers.

I can share my grief with them in the group for grieving Mothers and it’s a safe space but only Jesus truly understands my heart. My pain.

The introduction to the book The Names of God immediately mentions Isaiah 33:6 ” And wisdom and knowledge shall be the stability of thy times.”

I know that there are so many facets to God and getting to know his names, who he is throughout his word is where this wisdom and knowledge come from. That’s what gives stability no matter what situation I find myself in and no matter what is going on in this messed up world.

As I dive deeper into knowing him, I hope I will catch myself before I say “I don’t know.”

I desire to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:19

I’m committed to start saying what I do know and to do what I know to do, even when life is screaming I don’t know. Even when tears are falling and I don’t think I’m moving forward.

I have to stir myself up so I don’t sink to the bottom.

I also know that I need life to be quiet and simple now so that I can hear and receive what God has for me.

How he’s going to give me beauty for ashes and to gently allow him bind up my wounds and heal my shattered heart.

(topL) Me and my brother Mike,(bottomL) Me and My husband Matt, (topR) Me and my son Jami, (middle R) Me and my Dad, (bottom R) Me and my Daughter Virginia

Me and my son Robbie on his birthday 2 days after mine.
Me and my (step) son Dan, I didn’t get a picture with him in my birthday so I got one with him on Robbie’s Birthday!

My son Robbie’s birthday is 2 days after mine. You might not see the sadness behind the smile, but I really was missing Billy. September is our birthday month. His is September 1st and mine is the 29th.

Robbie’s Birthday is October 1st so even though we’re 2 days apart, we’re in different months. It always made each of their Birthdays special. They were both born on the 1st of different months. 10 years and one month apart in age.

I love ALL of my children. I just wish they could all be here with me, the way it should be.💗

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