3 Years

3 years have gone by since my son was senselessly murdered.

Life has changed in so many little ways that sometimes I don’t recognize myself any more. I remember how life was before that tragic night.

There is what I call pre-Billy’s death and post-Billy’s death.

I go through times where I want to look at his pictures and other times I can barely look at them.

Things I used to do seem pointless or hard and I wonder how I ever got around to doing them in the 1st place. However life was different back then.

I know it’s pretty selfish of me to want him back when he’s basking in the glory’s of heaven. He’s happier than he’s ever been and I’m still here in earth trying to find meaning and purpose for my life.

I took a six week Bible class at church hoping that it would be a 1st step in a positive direction or just to prove to myself I can get out there and do something. I’m not sure what I accomplished but I finished it.

I haven’t given up on Jesus because I know that he has all the answers. I’m very thankful for the foundation I had in Christ before that fateful night or like many, many people I would have blamed God.

I understand that God did not cause my son to be murdered. I know it was our invisible enemy, Satan or the Devil if you call him that. I can hear some of you saying” but God could have stopped it!”

Yes, he could have and I believe he tried, multiple times actually, but He never touches our free will.

God works through people and so does Satan.

This past year I haven’t written anything at all. I didn’t have too much to say. Maybe it was writers block or maybe it was depression. I don’t know for sure.

I’ve been trying to take care of myself and my family and many times I feel like I’m not good enough. The kids are getting older, driving themselves everywhere and I’m no longer needed in ways I’ve been used to for 28 years. That’s kind of a blow. Although it’s nice when we need something from the store they can go get it!

It’s just another season of life that’s changing and it’s hard.

My whole life from little on up I wanted to be a Mother. That was the desire of my heart. God gave me that desire and now it’s entering a new chapter but one that Billy is not in. He would be 28 years old.

So many changes over the last 3 years. Big ones, little ones. I could make a list that would have some of you shaking your heads but others saying “that’s nothing compared to what I’ve been through.”

This last year has been hard on all of us. Being locked down, wearing masks and everything that went along with that. Social tensions are high and on and on it goes.

I’ve held on to this scripture the last 3 years. “Resist him, (Satan) steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.”1 Peter 5:9

Basically that says no matter how lonely or attacked I feel walking through this trial, other people all around the world are experiencing the same sufferings.

Let’s pray for and encourage each other in this. “I (Jesus) have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Blessings to you all.


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