Do You Go To The Gravesite?

I’ve been thinking about some thing a lot lately and I figured I’d put my thoughts out there. I’m not one to go to the cemetery that often. Maybe once or twice a year.

My husband Matt just got my dad a trimmer because dad likes to go to my mom’s gravesite and Billy’s gravesite and keep then trimmed and looking neat and tidy.

My dad will often comment about when they mow the grass at the cemetery, they knock over the flowers and the crosses and the knickknacks that we have gotten over the years. He will put everything back,after he pulls up grass and weeds. Matt thought the trimmer would make it easier for Dad.

When my dad is finished cleaning everything up and making it look perfect, he always sends me a picture.

I have told my dad the reason I don’t often go to the gravesite and that is because I know that Billy and my mom are not there. I don’t want to remember the pain of the cancer that destroyed My mom’s body or the stab wound that took the life of my child.

I know that some people are very different and they feel very connected to their loved one while visiting the gravesite.I feel more connected to my mother when I see a butterfly or when I see tulips which were her favorite flower or when I see my daughters brilliant smile or I see my niece Ruby Joan. Those remind me of my Mother.

Dragonflies remind me of Billy. Seven months after Billy‘s murder, my family and I were on vacation. My husband and I were the only ones in the swimming pool and a swarm of dragonflies surrounded us. I knew that it meant something and when I looked up “what do dragonflies symbolize,” this is what I found.

In almost every part of the world, the Dragonfly symbolizes change, transformation, adaptability, and self-realization.

Well we were definitely changing,transforming ,we had to adapt and there was a lot of self-realization going on after Billy’s murder.

The Dragonfly normally lives most of its life as immature. It flies only for a fraction of its life. This symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living in the moment and living life to the fullest. They also have a lifespan of 7-56 days.

Even though he was a free spirit, Billy was maturing and realizing a lot after learning a lot of life lessons. He always lived in the moment and he did live life to the fullest. Of course he was only 25 when he died which isn’t old at all.

That’s why when I see dragonflies they remind me of Billy. Guitars reminds me of Billy, tattoos remind me of Billy, gages remind me of Billy. Smiles and laughter and kind hearts. Logan my grandson reminds me of Billy. So many things remind me of Billy that I don’t feel the need to go to a gravesite where I do not sense a connection to him. But that’s just me. Everyone is different.

I will continue to go to his gravesite when it’s his birthday. We release a lantern in his memory and in his honor.

To those who have felt guilty for not wanting to go to the gravesite, I hope you know you’re not alone. I don’t feel guilty and neither should you.

To those who are like my Dad and find connection from going to the gravesite, I’ve read where some people take a blanket and a picnic and have lunch with their loved one or just go to talk to their loved one. Have a celebration ceremony, clean the gravestone. Do what works for you! The biggest thing to remember is to be kind to yourself. I know for a fact it’s easier said than done.