Emotional Highs Emotional Lows

Published by cmadams

I am now a Mother that no one wants to be. I love my children more than life itself and my world got turned upside down when my 1st born son Billy, also known as Liam, was murdered by a stranger in a random act of violence. I have 3 remaining living, breathing, amazing children, 2 sons and 1 daughter, 3 living,breathing,amazing step-sons and each and every one is special,creative,and unique! I also have 3 beautiful grandchildren! 2 Grandsons ages 7and 8 and a precious 3 year old Granddaughter! My Grandson Logan, is Billy’s only child, he is now 8 years old. As my daughter says, he is the warm piece of Billy that we get to touch. I enjoy cherishing and taking care of my husband and my family, leading a healthy lifestyle in spirit, soul and body, clean eating, CrossFit, sunshine,rest, listening to music and singing along! I will never be who I was before this happened. I am dedicated to learn what I can, embrace the pain, and share my raw, wounded, healing heart that is daily changing due to this great tragedy. My hope is touch lives in many ways,no matter how big or small, in honor and in memory of my son, Billy.He will live on through my words, the words of his Mother and the hearts of his family💗 View all posts by cmadams

Brotherly love, Burying a child, Crime, CrossFit, CrossFit Competition, Death, Family, Granite Games, Homicide, Knife, Life, Living Son, Loss, Loss of a Brother to Murder, Loss of a child, Loss of a Son, Loss of a Son to Homicide, Love, Mother’s love, Mourning, Murder, Philadelphia Eagles, Problems, Siblings, Siblings that are Left Behind, Tears

Today was a good day. It was filled with many emotions. Mostly that,on the edge of your seat excitement as I cheered on our 15 year old Son at the CrossFit Granite Games Competition.

Watching his Dad watching him was so heartwarming. Hearing his little sister yelling encouraging words caused my heart to swell with pride for my children and their relationship with one another. Being present IN the moment was priceless.

Robert winning his first event of muscle ups, double unders and 50 lb dumbbell snatches

That’s one proud Dad moment!

One thing I’ve taken deeper to heart after the death of my 1st born Son is that moments are precious. Little moments make up the big moments. We take so many moments for granted because we think they’ll go on and on forever. We may have a blip here or there but we never think tragedy will strike our families. It always happens to someone else…

I realize that I’m now a reminder that the unthinkable can happen to anyone. I make people uncomfortable. We are relational, relatable human beings. If I start talking about my daughter going to high school and your child also went to high school or even a new school, you can share that with me. We have something in common and our conversation can flow from there. If I start talking about my Son who was murdered and you can’t connect with that at all because it is a foreign experience to you, there is awkward silence. There is no common ground. Today we were all there, all of us parents,and families and friends and coaches in the same building, united with the one purpose of watching our 14 & 15 year old Sons compete while we loudly cheered them on.

Even in the moment, I thought about Billy. I thought about how I should be texting and posting pictures and calling him to tell him about Robbie. That made me hit an emotional low in the midst of my emotional high for Robbie who is tied for 1st place after 2 events.

Me and my 3 Sons. Billy and Robbie are standing next to each other .

I have a hard time describing a low while in a high. Maybe bittersweet? My heart was smiling and crying at the same time.

These moments I long to share with my oldest son but I can’t…so I’ll just tuck them away in a part of my heart where I can grieve for that later. I’ll get some rest now,so I can wake up tomorrow and watch my youngest son give everything he has,at every event, and I’ll be present for every moment.

Published by cmadams

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