Victim Impact Statement

Where do I even start?

How do I explain the depth, on every level, of how the senseless murder of my oldest son has impacted me, my husband, my children,and my grandson?

How do I put into words, how every fiber of my being is affected?

I believe that our physical, emotional and spiritual health are all connected. What affects one part of our person is going to affect another part.

It’s just how it works.

My physical body has definitely changed a lot since my son was murdered.

I still try to take care of myself physically but let me tell you, you can eat all the right things, speak all the positive words, lift all the right weights, do all the right exercises, even say all the right scriptures and pray, pray, prayers without ceasing and your body can only take so much trauma.

I know that my trauma and pain is a FAR cry from carrying the burden that Jesus did before he was arrested, beaten, mocked and crucified, to purchase our salvation and pay for the sin of whole world. The thought of what he was about to experience caused him to sweat drops of blood.

It wasn’t a sin for him, the perfect son of God and the perfect son of man to have such physical and emotional stress,that he was sweating blood.

There is a a medical condition that caused Jesus to sweat blood due to the anguish in his thoughts, heart and emotions.

Hematidrosis

Hematidrosis, also called blood sweat, is a very rare condition in which a human sweats blood. The term is from Ancient Greek haîma/haímatos (αἷμα/αἵματος), meaning blood, and hīdrṓs (ἱδρώς), meaning sweat.

No I have not sweat drops of blood. Ever.

My hairs are turning gray, my body feels tired, all the time, no how much sleep I get. My chest is always tight and I really have to be conscious of my breathing so it’s not shallow.

I have had panic attacks and night terrors but I always get out of bed in the morning and make myself start the day with the routine of prayer and worship music and going to the gym.Here is me doing a few pull-ups.

I find that more often than not, tears are flowing or maybe just slipping down, even if it’s just one at a time.

I choke back sobs when all the cries get stuck in my chest and my heart feels like I just can’t do or hear or take one more thing.

The one thing that I know keeps me sane and hopeful is looking towards the eternal. Having the perspective that all of eternity is ahead of me.

For now,back to my impact statement in court. Which picture of Billy do I pick that truly captures my son?

There are so many.

One from childhood, adulthood, by himself, with me, with Logan, how can I say enough words, right words to describe him?

Who he was and what my world is like since he’s not living in it anymore because of someone’s angry heart?

Do I tell of all he’s missed so far? So many of his son Logans firsts?

Logan’s Pre-School Graduation,The 1st day of kindergarten, 1st ride on the school bus,1st report card, first parent teacher conference,first loose tooth, first visit from the tooth fairy, the list goes on…

How do I watch my younger son Jami, who was with Billy that fateful night that he was killed, get on the stand again, and this time, tell the court how his life has been impacted since watching his big brother die right in front of him?

Jami lost his big brother that night and for the rest of his life.

How do I do that?

It is agonizing.

As their mother, I’m thankful that Billy had his little brother with him in his last moments on earth, they looked into each other’s eyes as he was struggling to take his last breath.

I also detest that Jami had to witness the horrible atrocity done to his brother. He now carries the weight of that traumatic experience.

I don’t know if I can even make a statement.

I’m more of a storyteller.

I want to give details and the feelings I had when the details were happening, turning them into stories, that were funny or dramatic or serious moments.

The closer the time comes to prepare for my victim impact statement, the more nerve racking it becomes.

I know that the lord is my very present help in time of need and man o days do I need his help all the time!

I just want this one and only time that I get to be Billy’s mouthpiece in a court of law for the sentencing of his murderer, to do Billy good and help get him Justice.

I want to make him proud and I want to make an impact on every single person in the court room that will leave a huge statement.

One they will never forget.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. “~ Psalm 73:26