I haven’t written anything in quite awhile.
The truth is that I’ve been very depressed.
I’ve always been hard on myself and I didn’t give myself adequate time to heal from having back to back manic episodes.
I expected life to go back to as normal as possible and now I don’t know what normal even looks like.
Apparently after you go manic, you get depressed. I certainly didn’t try it or even expect it.
I had a great hospital experience when my husband came to visit which was every single day. Matt made sure to spend every second of visiting hours with me going to my activities and just being fully present.We would read the Bible and pray and talk. He even had Virginia iron his shirt before he would come in for visiting hours so that he would look nice for me.
When I got home I expected to keep getting better. Instead I leveled off and started to sink lower and lower. It’s to the point that I have to talk myself into getting out of bed every day even after 8 or 9 hours of fitful sleep.
I’ve been on so many different meds to stabilize my moods and nothing is working right. It’s a cocktail of crazy.
I’ve gained weight due to the meds which in and of itself makes me feel gross. I still go to the gym 4-6x’s a week. It’s what I do. The extra weight just isn’t me.
I hate being on medication. Side effects may include everything including mortality but take it anyway!
I’ll hang in there. I trust my doctor but I trust God more. He knows what I went through and what I’m going through and He’s never left me or turned his back on me. This valley is dark but I have to believe an end is coming.
I have to keep going. Keep walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
I miss Billy more than ever. I miss my Mom so much too.
I have hope that I’ll see them again someday.