Darkness

Published by cmadams

I am now a Mother that no one wants to be. I love my children more than life itself and my world got turned upside down when my 1st born son Billy, also known as Liam, was murdered by a stranger in a random act of violence. I have 3 remaining living, breathing, amazing children, 2 sons and 1 daughter, 3 living,breathing,amazing step-sons and each and every one is special,creative,and unique! I also have 3 beautiful grandchildren! 2 Grandsons ages 7and 8 and a precious 3 year old Granddaughter! My Grandson Logan, is Billy’s only child, he is now 8 years old. As my daughter says, he is the warm piece of Billy that we get to touch. I enjoy cherishing and taking care of my husband and my family, leading a healthy lifestyle in spirit, soul and body, clean eating, CrossFit, sunshine,rest, listening to music and singing along! I will never be who I was before this happened. I am dedicated to learn what I can, embrace the pain, and share my raw, wounded, healing heart that is daily changing due to this great tragedy. My hope is touch lives in many ways,no matter how big or small, in honor and in memory of my son, Billy.He will live on through my words, the words of his Mother and the hearts of his family💗 View all posts by cmadams

I haven’t written anything in quite awhile.

The truth is that I’ve been very depressed.

I’ve always been hard on myself and I didn’t give myself adequate time to heal from having back to back manic episodes.

I expected life to go back to as normal as possible and now I don’t know what normal even looks like.

Apparently after you go manic, you get depressed. I certainly didn’t try it or even expect it.

I had a great hospital experience when my husband came to visit which was every single day. Matt made sure to spend every second of visiting hours with me going to my activities and just being fully present.We would read the Bible and pray and talk. He even had Virginia iron his shirt before he would come in for visiting hours so that he would look nice for me.

When I got home I expected to keep getting better. Instead I leveled off and started to sink lower and lower. It’s to the point that I have to talk myself into getting out of bed every day even after 8 or 9 hours of fitful sleep.

I’ve been on so many different meds to stabilize my moods and nothing is working right. It’s a cocktail of crazy.

I’ve gained weight due to the meds which in and of itself makes me feel gross. I still go to the gym 4-6x’s a week. It’s what I do. The extra weight just isn’t me.

I hate being on medication. Side effects may include everything including mortality but take it anyway!

I’ll hang in there. I trust my doctor but I trust God more. He knows what I went through and what I’m going through and He’s never left me or turned his back on me. This valley is dark but I have to believe an end is coming.